Communication: Talking About Sex

Communication

Deciding whether or not to have sex is an important part of a relationship. But even after you've made a decision, raising the subject can be difficult. It's natural to feel uncomfortable. Sexuality is not a topic many people have practice discussing. However, it is important to take responsibility for clearly communicating your sexual concerns. Expecting our partners to somehow know what we want without telling them places a heavy burden on them. Don't expect your partners to read your mind. Here are suggestions for dealing with what can be a very awkward situation.

How does one begin communicating about sex?

Getting started is the hardest part. After that, the conversation should get easier. Your partner will probably feel relieved that you brought up the issue. You might begin by discussing why it is hard to talk about sex. Individuals have different reasons for their uneasiness. Understanding those reasons can help set a solid foundation and often provides a good beginning for communication. Without such an understanding you risk experiencing or inflicting emotional and even physical harm. Inflicting harm in this way is unacceptable, unlawful, and in violation of the University Judicial Code. Read articles or books on sex that can provide a stimulus for discussion. Start with less personal topics such as discussing contraception technology and gradually move to more personal feelings and concerns as your comfort increases.

When is communication most effective?

Effective communication requires clear and accurate messages, honesty, openness, and sincerity. First, be prepared to talk when the time seems right. Be flexible about when to bring up the subject but don't wait until sexual intimacy is moments away.

It is most effective when there is an active listener and an effective communicator. The listener may facilitate communication by maintaining eye contact with his/her partner, asking questions, making brief comments, expressing appreciation for communication efforts, and using paraphrasing effectively. By summarizing in your own words your partner's message, you confirm that you understand. Showing attention encourages your partner to continue sharing important concerns. It is also useful to make sure you know each other's expectations. Ask your partner to provide some response to a message you think is important. "What are your thoughts about what I have just said?" encourages feedback.

Sexual communication is not confined to words alone. Facial expressions, touching, and sounds also convey a great deal of information. The value of nonverbal communication lies primarily in its ability to supplement verbal exchanges.

Pay attention to your partner's response. Slow down if your partner seems to be having trouble with what you're saying. Give your partner time to think about what you've said.. A lot of myths and fears exist about HIV and other STDs. If you are telling your partner that you have an STD, your partner may need time to adjust.

How do I ask those difficult questions?

Use open-ended questions to allow your partner freedom to express his/her thoughts. For example, "What do you think about...?", "How do you feel about...?". Avoid asking yes or no questions when you want to discuss an issue because you may get no more than the specific information requested. However, sometimes a brief yes or no is all that is necessary.

If you want to be more specific, structure your approach by asking either/or questions. This is helpful if your partner does not know where to begin with a response. For example, "Would you like to talk now, or would you prefer we wait for another time?" This also encourages more participation than simple yes or no questions.

Express your needs and desires from a personal perspective rather than tell the other person what to do. For example, "I would like us to practice safer sex...and I have a condom with me" rather than "You need to use protection before you can have sex with me." By beginning sentences with "I" language when stating your needs or requests to your partner you open up communication in a positive non-judgmental manner and help put your partner at ease. Your partner is more likely to be honest in return. Avoid "Why" questions as they often are taken as an attack or criticism. Rather than representing simple requests for information, they are typically used to convey hidden messages of anger that people are unwilling to communicate honestly.

How can I discover what my partner wants?

Finding out what someone desires sexually can be a risky and awkward experience, even for the most skilled partner. If you get to know your partners and develop lasting, trusting relationships, communication usually becomes easier. Slowly over time, you learn what she or he desires. But how do you discover what your partner desires if it's a limited relationship or merely a one-night stand?

"Just ask" is an easy answer that handbooks like this one love to give. But finding out what someone desires sexually is a complicated process of verbal consent, body language, and trust. No single method works every time. So it's up to you every time you get the urge to act, to figure out how to ask. Be creative. Make it part of the "turn on." Asking consent can show you are more sophisticated than the typical person who uses bumbling, awkward "trial-and-error" methods most of us learned in high school.

Many people may rely on body language alone to communicate their intentions and desires. For instance, if you're interested in kissing someone, you might move toward their lips slowly, allowing them time to turn away or back off. For some people, this is the most comfortable and least awkward way to initiate or receive sexual intimacy. But for others it might be confusing and intrusive. Unfortunately there is no universal dictionary that tells you what body language means. Therefore asking the person "Can I kiss you?" or even "Will you kiss me?" may be the best way to clarify exactly what you want and allow your partner the opportunity to voice his or her needs as well.

Although it helps, your conversations do not always have to be so direct. Asking someone, "What do you feel like doing?" or "What's on your mind" can help both of you begin to talk about what feels comfortable and exciting. Or, focusing on a specific issue or aspect of sexual activity can be useful. If you are interested in oral sex or intercourse, asking "Should I get a condom?" or "What flavor dental dam would you like?" could be a way to ease tension and still broach the subject.

Choose whatever method of communication is most comfortable and effective for you, but be aware that using words to describe how you feel and what you want may leave fewer questions or doubts in the minds of your partners.

How do I say no?

First, have a definite plan or strategy in mind for saying no to intimate invitations. This can help prevent being caught off guard and not knowing how to handle a potentially unpleasant situation. One approach that may be helpful involves the following.

Step 1: Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion.

Step 2: Offer an alternative. This step will not always be an option if you wish to have no further contact with that person.

Avoid sending mixed messages. Occasionally check for inconsistencies between verbal messages and subsequent actions. Recipients of mixed messages might find it helpful to express their confusion and to ask which of the two messages they are expected to act on. Saying no in clear, unmistakable language is essential.

What if I say no and my partner remains persistent?

The "broken-record" technique of repeating your statement may help you stick to your values and needs without being manipulated by your partner to do something you don't want.

• Walk away from the situation.
• Avoid arguing and explaining yourself.
• The bottom line is that your body belongs to you. It is unloving and unethical for a partner to push, coerce, or force you to be sexual or intimate in ways that you are uncomfortable.

How do I convince my partner to practice safer sex?

The examples below illustrate how a conversation about condom use may proceed if you continue to state your commitment to safer sex.

Example:

Chris: "I don't like condoms, they ruin my sensitivity."
Pat: "Yes, I'm sure they can but I want to use one if we have intercourse."

Chris: "I can't keep an erection if I use a condom."
Pat: "Maybe it would help if I put it on...but we don't have to have intercourse if you don't want to wear one."

Chris: "I want to have sex right now...just this time without a condom won't matter."
Pat: "I want to have intercourse too, but I want us to use a condom if we do."

What if I already know I have an STD?

Talking openly and honestly about STDs and practicing safer sex helps educate partners and breaks the chain of transmission. If an STD is not talked about, your partner's health is being risked without that person having any choice in the matter. Receiving treatment is crucial and talking about treatment with a partner is appropriate and important. Your partner may be uncomfortable and need time to think things through before making a decision. This does not necessarily mean rejection. Although exercising patience may be difficult, it pays off in the end.

Remember to be clear in your own mind about what you will and will not do sexually. Knowing what you want will make it easier to talk about.

Adapted from Promoting Behavior Changes: Interactive Skill Building. ACHA HIV/AIDS Prevention Workshops. Jeffrey M. Gould and Anne R. Lomax 1991; Crooks, Robert and Karla Baur. Our Sexuality. 3rd edition. Benjamin/Cummings Publishing Co., Inc., Menlo Park, CA: 1987. Chapter 8 "Communication in Sexual Behavior" pp. 234-265; Lisa Barber-Murphy, M.Ed., CHES; Jason Schultz, `93.

The Condom Comeback

Condom excuse: "It doesn't feel good."
Condom comebacks: "If you're uncomfortable using condoms then let's try something other than intercourse."
-or- "Neither does sleeping alone."

Condom excuse: "It spoils the mood."
Condom comebacks: "The mood will come back."
-or- "So does your attitude."

Condom excuse: "It takes too long."
Condom comebacks: "Then you need practice and there's no time like the present."
-or- "Let me help you put it on."
-or- "A condom can make sex last longer."
-or- "We have all night. What's the rush?"
-or- "It's worth the wait."

Condom excuse: "You won't catch anything from me."
Condom comebacks: -or- "Yes, but you might catch something from me."
-or- "I know I won't, because either we use a condom or we are not having intercourse."
-or- "Then you won't get anything from me."

Condom excuse: "Just this once won't matter."
Condom comebacks: "It only takes once."
-or- "Then just this once I'll have to say no."